Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
