can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
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