sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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