the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
