Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
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