Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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