recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Randomize
