Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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