Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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