I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
