I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
whose parrot is this?
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Randomize
