Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
