Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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