I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
