o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
