i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Randomize
