You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
