Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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