dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
