Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I puked a lego.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
