Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
