if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
ttyl tear gas
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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