the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
