Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
