hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
