I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize