I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
