you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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