If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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