Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
