Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
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