I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Randomize
