i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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