I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
