so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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