Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
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