he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I think I just sharted jello shots
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