I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
