I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
