i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
