everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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