Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
