i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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