Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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