remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Randomize
