god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
