no, he came in my armpit
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
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