I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
