does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Randomize
