Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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