you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Drunk is not a location!
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
