Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
