So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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