I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Randomize
