I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
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