I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Randomize
