Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
