please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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