I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
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