Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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