Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
