I was born with a shot glass in my hand
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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