I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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