I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Randomize
