He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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