Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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