the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I puked a lego.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
