Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
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