Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
