definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
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